Review Of Port Republic Light Beer

Can and sample of Port Republic Light.

Can and sample of Port Republic Light.

Time to get back to our roots and review a real shit beer. Well, to be fair, I don’t know that Port Republic Light is a shit beer, but I’m just guessing based on its outward appearance. It has been a rarity that a malt liquor or a beer in a marginal looking tall boy has been good. But you do find those diamonds in the rough like Magnum or King Cobra. Read on to see if Port Republic Light is one of those or more like Icehouse.

Taste: D I was fully prepared to give ol’ (this nickname seems right given the can design) Port Republic a C or B- on first taste. But, damn, that aftertaste is harsh! When you first take a sip, you think you are drinking the same old light American lager that Bud and Miller crank out everyday. But Port Republic has a not-so-hidden secret and it is a skank aftertaste. It is almost like the beer has skunked, but it is from a can and is only 6 or so months old. I’d think low end swill like this would keep it’s dank flavor for quite awhile. I was drinking this out of a tasting glass so it did breathe a bit. Trying out of can…nope..still sucks goat balls. Although, slightly less so…strange. Alas, I’m forced to conclude that this is just a shit-hole beer.

Packaging: B Port Republic actually gets high marks on its packaging. Not so much because it is great, but it has so much shit on it that it rivals a malt can. Here is a listing of some of the random phrases on this can, with my quality commentary. “Barrelman’s” (????), “Sail Close To The Wind” (what the fuck does that mean), “No. 02” (what is No. 01?), “Premium American Beer” (clearly they don’t know the meaning of premium), “First Rate” (uh, nope). I guess whomever designed this figured they had a lot of real estate to fill and just went for it. There is also some letter and anchor logo, which seems to fit the sailing theme. The can is a nice shade of blue, so there’s that…

Value: B I guess this beer is a good deal. I honestly don’t remember when I bought it or how much I paid. I’m just going on the assumption that it wasn’t more than $2.99 for a 24 ouncer. While that 24 ounces of beer makes your dick wanna shrivel up, it is still something that can get ya drunk on the cheap.

Drunkenness: F Hey, Port Republic has achieved a new high (or low) on this site! It is the first F we have given for this category! Strangely enough, this can has nutritional information (100 calories, 1g of protein for those who are interested), but no ABV. I went to my handy search engine and surprisingly I wasn’t the first weirdo who was searching for this info as it auto-completed. The Port Republic Web site has it at 3.9%. While that isn’t the lowest we have reviewed, this category takes into account taste and value. And while the value is good, if I’m gonna put down a tall boy 24 that tastes like ass, I wanna get shit-housed so I don’t remember a damn thing. Sorry, Port Republic, you fail this category.

Overall: D I was hoping I could give this beer a higher rating, but that taste is just awful. Although, throughout this review I’ve been inexplicably drinking some more of this can and, while it still blows, it has gotten less offensive. I’m guessing I’ve become immune to the taste or my taste buds are just dead. Either way, I need to stop quick or this could lead to an unfortunate night and morning. If you want to buy this can for the novelty and the design, I guess go for it, but there are certainly better and worst tasting options that will get ya drunk faster. Now I gotta go lie down as I feel a headache coming on…

Click if you really wanna learn more about Port Republic.

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